


Things you can't say tomorrow day

by amelie_drinking_tea



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:16:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1312903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelie_drinking_tea/pseuds/amelie_drinking_tea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know it, right? It's nothing personal."<br/>It's nothing personal as you slip your hand under my shirt. It's nothing personal as you kiss my neck, eyes closed, and let out a soft moan under your breath as I let you do what you want. It's nothing personal as you pretend I'm someone else and I pretend you want me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things you can't say tomorrow day

He asked me if he could kiss me. I knew he was thinking about her.

I said "Sure".

He went on and on about the pain that grows inside for loving and losing someone. He looked to me and smiled.

"Do you mind?" he asked.

I do. I despise your broken heart. I couldn't care less about your lonely soul.

"Not at all."

He pressed his lips on mine, he let me have the passion which was not meant for me. He let me have it for a while, trusting I wouldn't mischievously steal it when (and if) she wanted him back. He knew I'd give it all back at the blink of an eye. That’s probably the only reason why he allowed me to borrow his passion in the first place, so he could feel altruistic for as long as he needed. He'd lend me his lips and his time, and I could feel as if I were the one doing him a favour.

Everybody wins.

"Can I just - turn off the lights?"

Oh, you're too kind, Arthur. Yes, please, turn off the lights. Make me someone else in your mind. Do you want me to keep quiet in the dark? Do you want me not to make a sound? I promise to keep it warm enough so you still know it's real, if you promise not to open your eyes.

Even though there's nothing to see, if you do.

Even though there's just reality, which means nothing right now. I'll learn from you, the expert, how easy it is to pretend it's not a matter of being good enough to keep the lights on. It's only a matter of skillfully pretending you're just pretending. So no feelings are hurt.

"You know it, right? It's nothing personal."

It's nothing personal as you slip your hand under my shirt. It's nothing personal as you kiss my neck, eyes closed, and let out a soft moan under your breath as I let you do what you want. It's nothing personal as you pretend I'm someone else and I pretend you want me.

It's professional acting from both sides.

Being pushed against a wall, wondering if your heart is still closed shut as you unbutton your jeans, feels like a career plan. I'm still not getting paid, though. I'm doing you a favour, really.

You couldn’t possibly wish to get paid for doing a friend a favour, now could you?

You want a reward for getting what you want, is that it, you greedy little thing?

"Can I - can I just this once...?"

Yes, you can. Go ahead. Do it like she'd like it. Say it like you mean it. Just this once, love, just this once. And as I grant you this harmless wish, I'll treat myself with the illusion you're about to say my name as you go on pleasing her.

Anytime now.

I'll make my way into the undisclosed desires in your mind. And you'll love every inch of me, before you realize you got the wrong person. You'll love every inch of my body, every inch of my naked soul, because I'm really good at what I do. I’ll make you blind in your need to have it your way.

I’ll trick you.

"You're so great, you feel so good, if only I - If only we..."

You kill me.

Yet we play our parts flawlessly. We take advantage of each other as much as we can. We suck each other dry. We drain each other senseless. He's got what I want, though he won't give it to me the way I want it, but I'll take it anyway since I'm hardly ever in a position to pick what suits me best. I'm never the one.

I've got what he needs. Though he doesn't need it from me, per se. But I’ll do for now. He's got the urgency to forget, I've got the urgency to get coaxed out my low.

I'm never the one.

I hold on to him tight, pulling his hair as he bites my shoulder, pressing my lips together not to make too much of a noise. Not to sound too much like myself and make him come to his senses.

Momentary clarity. You're not the one.

Even in the dark, he could tell. Even in broad day light, I could tell.

Just keep breathing quietly as he gets louder and louder. Drink it in. Whisper in a neutral, yet commanding voice as you drag your fingernails through his arm.

"Give it to me… Now.”

Do it in a way he has no other choice.

"Anything you want."

Make it yours. Even if he doesn't mean it. Make him pay for the favour.

Out of courtesy.

Relish in the soft skin, the tight grip, the lust, the helpless panting.

You deserve it.

What does he know about pain? What does he know about losing?

While he’s making someone else out of you, you make him worthy of doing so.

“I never thought… I never knew…”

I never wanted you to. But you might as well realize it right now. I will not need you on my own. You’ll need me back, you bastard.

By everything you believe in, you will need me.

You groan as I pull you closer, as I let you feel exactly how I feel. As I touch myself with your hand. As I show you who’s in charge of the act.

“Is it like you’ve pictured it? Can you keep up the fantasy, my dear? Is your broken heart still causing you excruciating pain? Can you see her in your head now? Can you feel her now? Open your fucking eyes!” I demand, without saying a word. Out of ugly envy and uglier desire.

I’m sinking in the silence, words left unsaid by both of us.

You’re kissing me desperately with your eyes closed.

Who cares about your lost love when all you do is pretend? No one cares. I don’t care. You’ve got something for me and I’ve got something for you. We’re doing each other favours, not charity.

I don’t have to sympathize with you.

You don’t have to love me.

But someone’s going to have to pay.

You make me let out an unwanted cry, and I curse myself for being weak. Same way I don’t wish to remind you I’m not what you signed up for, I don’t want you to realize you’re all I ever craved.

It has a strange effect on you, though. It gives you hope of getting her back, I suppose, this rare vocal reaction you’re getting. You’re good at this. It gives you strength to carry on taking it all, no shame, no guilty whatsoever. It gives you confidence.

It gives me hope.

Your hands all over me, your lips all over me. You all over me, invading me. On top of me, crushing my spirit. For the longest time. For hours, for days, for lifetimes. Worshiping the other one, the real one, through me.

Loving her in your head, loving me in mine.

And I take it all, because I’ve earned it.

His having a taste of what I am, of what I feel, as a means to an end, a way to the feeling reserved for the one who got away. The one.

And no one else.

From pretending to deceiving yourself for the sake of surviving, a quick painless step. So I take that winding road, as I let you smother me with ravishing words meant for your real lover, and I let you have a spin of my running engines. And you groan wildly, giving yourself to the one in the room, not the one in your head.

Take that, real lover.

I've got the emergency button, the fire exit and the getaway car all ready.

And he's coming.

 

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so if you spot any mistakes, please let me know. : )


End file.
